Currently, my husband and I live with my mother, supporting her as she encounters the challenges of aging and the reality of her mortality. More is required of me as time progresses and her health declines. Being sensitive to her losses and how she grieves them is a fine art I learn daily. Fortunately, I can apply my understanding of healthy grief, watch for signs of unhealthy grief, and let her know I hear her even when she cannot find the words to articulate the confusion and pain.

As Chaplains for senior living communities, I can imagine your spectrum of support is even wider. Your ministry is to the residents, their families, as well as the staff members. Each group has their own specific needs and ways to process grief.

The elderly may display their grief by shutting down, denying, or showing depression. They are already struggling with diminishing capabilities. By this stage in their life, they have lost so much: friends, a spouse, their career (often their identity), possibly a child, siblings and for sure their parents. For many seniors, health is a major loss. And for others, the loss of mental acuity is painfully difficult for them and their family members.

In addition, seniors are also looking down the barrel of their own mortality. Interacting with them by supportive listening as they grieve their losses is such an important gift to give them. Some seniors are at peace about this. They have a faith that gives them hope for a beautiful future. Supporting their hope brings encouragement to their days and nights.

In our little household, we all managed to get COVID-19. The real possibility of my mother’s death was a part of our experience. While her symptoms were mild, the potential for rapid decline existed. Bedtime seemed to be especially troublesome for her. Her body was so uncomfortable, and her mind was prone to fear. Two simple strategies helped us both. They might be useful for you and the staff who serve their residents.

1. Listening to my mother express her fears and acknowledging the difficulty of feeling those feelings was a way to see her transition from panic to peace. Just knowing that one’s feelings are normal and were heard are two ways to dissipate the stress of loss and grief. My mother and I said important things to each other. You might be the one who hears these important phrases a senior resident would like to say to their family but are not able to do so for a variety of reasons. Responding with, “This is really difficult,” “I know this is hard,” and “Thank you for sharing,” are supportive comments that convey you acknowledge their vulnerability, loss, pain, fear, and grief. Is this not a time to bear another’s burdens?
2. I found that talking about the future of an Earth made new with no physical pain or limitations helped my mom transition her thoughts from fear to peace. It was reassuring to hear her move from pain and fear of not living anymore to anticipating something so much better than she was experiencing. Even if someone is not a person of faith, they can still imagine a world free from pain and suffering. What might they like to do or see or where would they go? How would the world look different to them and who would they want to spend time with? By lifting the thoughts of fearful minds towards what is true, noble, pure, good, lovely, praiseworthy, and excellent, it opens the way for God’s peace to be with them. (Phil. 4:8,9)

As a grief educator and grief coach, I welcome any opportunity to support and educate others about healthy healing grief. Our new resources are Scripture based, clinically proven, accessed by many, and well received by nearly all who have had the opportunity to be trained in grief support skills or coached through their own loss. You are welcome to visit www.comfortfortheday.com to discover our online courses, cards, book, blogs, or potential training opportunities. We look forward to supporting you as you minister to residents, families, staff, and administration through these exceptionally difficult times.

© Karen Nicola 2021

The post Two Simple Strategies to Help Elders Deal with Fear appeared first on Senior Living Chaplains.

I’ve been a professional chaplain, a bereavement coordinator, and a counselor for healthcare professionals for over 35 years. Through focused education and experience, I have had the opportunity to help many clients, families, and colleagues navigate through the dying, death, & bereavement processes. However, I have found that no matter how knowledgeable, understanding, and supportive I may be when helping others, it is dramatically different when grief invades my own world.

This became abundantly clear when my mother died after a short illness. After she drew her last breath and I was driving home from the hospital, I had to pull over to the side of the road and allow the emotions to flow. I hadn’t experienced the deep pain and anguish of grief in this way for quite some time. I felt lost, unprepared, and unwilling to begin that journey. Though I had focused my professional life on providing support for others in their grief, I felt helpless–totally unarmed to help myself.

At that moment I decided to take my own advice. I took out my phone and called a friend, a bereavement colleague, from right there in my car. It was extremely helpful to open up and share my pain with a trusted colleague who was able to empathetically listen, understand, and provide support.

Don’t try to “go it alone.” Take the red “S” off your chest. Whether you call a colleague, EAP, or confide with your chaplain, take your own advice and talk with someone about the significance of your loss and the pain you are experiencing. You’ll be glad you did.

You can also talk with God. He knows grief and heartache, firsthand. He loves you and wants to wrap His arms around you and whisper in your ear, “I’ve got you. It’s going to be okay.” He says to each of us, “Do not fear, for I am with you. Do not anxiously look around you, for I AM your God. I will strengthen you; surely, I will help you; surely, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.” (Isaiah 41:10)

Ralph Plumley is an Executive Director of Operations for Marketplace Chaplains where he serves as a mentor to chaplains and oversees the staff-care benefit they provide to companies and organizations in the greater Philadelphia area. With a background in hospital chaplaincy, funeral home bereavement services, and hospice care, Ralph has over 35 years’ experience assisting families and professionals when a death occurs. He is a graduate of Philadelphia Biblical University (now Carin University) and Dallas Theological Seminary with a Master of Theology Degree. He is Ordained by the Baptist General Conference, Certified in Thanatology: Dying, Death, and Bereavement by the Association for Death Education and Counseling (ADEC), and a Certified Funeral Celebrant. He has received & provided extensive training in Critical Incident Stress Management, and suicide intervention. He has served as President of the Delaware End-of-Life Coalition, on the Board of Directors of Supporting Kidds: The Center for Grieving Children & Their Families, and committee chair for ADEC. Ralph has authored several CareNotes published by Abbey Press for teens, adults, and professional care givers.  He has been asked to speak locally and nationally on various topics related to dying, death, Critical Incident Stress Management, loss, & grief. Ralph and his wife have been married for 39 years. They have four children and four grandchildren, so far.

The post Managing My Loss and Grief While Caring for Others appeared first on Senior Living Chaplains.